Getting Started

Questions and Answers about survivor support

1. How common are abuse situations? Should I expect to deal with them as an average minister in a small Presbyterian congregation?

   A: Sadly, domestic abuse and sexual violence are extremely common both inside and outside the Christian community. Statistics show that 1 in 3 women and 1 in 7 men have experienced violence from an intimate partner in their lifetime, while 1 in 5 women and 1 in 33 men have experienced sexual abuse. This means that, in any congregation of 100 people, a pastor should expect to find multiple congregants recovering from trauma related to previous domestic violence or sexual assault. He is also likely to encounter occasional situations of ongoing abuse.

2. A member of my congregation disclosed abuse to me. What should I believe her?

   A: Take abuse allegations seriously! While false reports can happen, studies repeatedly show that the prevalence of false allegations is less than 10%. That means that more than 90% of people reporting abuse are telling the truth. Abusers are often skilled at maintaining a good image in the community, so be cautious about assuming that “he is a nice guy who wouldn’t have done that.” Offer victims an opportunity to be truly heard. Take care to protect victims who may be placing themselves and their children in danger to disclose what is going on.

3. What should I do when I encounter an abuse situation? Should I confront the offender?

   A: Well-meaning church leaders often jump to confrontation as the first tool, but that is not always a wise approach. Victims of domestic violence and sexual abuse usually live with their abusers and may have nowhere else to go. Challenging the offender may result in serious consequences to the victim. While confrontation may come at some point in the process, priority should be given to safety for the victim and any children and/or pets in household. Connect the victim to the Presbyterian Advocacy Coalition and/or local domestic violence or sexual assault resource centers for potential shelter, protection orders, and other assistance. Safety plan with the victim and advocates before taking steps that may result in homelessness or more violence.

4. What kind of support should I expect to provide for a victim of domestic violence or sexual abuse that is in the process of exiting an abusive relationship?

   A: Victims need to know that someone cares about them. They have probably been told for years that no one will listen and that no one cares. A church that offers comfort and kindness instead of criticism and judgement can be incredibly meaningful to abuse victims. Pray with abuse victims, take the time to hear to them, and address their concerns. Be careful to maintain confidentiality when safety is a serious issue. Also, listen to victims about their needs, rather than making assumptions. Within the constraints of a church’s ability, try to assist with needs even in small ways—helping to install security cameras, or sending a volunteer to support a victim for a court hearing, for example. Research local resources. Local domestic violence or sexual assault resource centers may offer housing assistance, legal services, and a number of other helpful options.

5. A man in our congregation confessed to hitting his wife, but he says she has mental health problems. How should this affect how I approach the situation?

   A: Almost every abuser says that the victim is crazy. That is standard language employed by abusers to excuse their behavior toward the victim. While a victim may appear anxious, fearful, and reactive, this is usually a direct result of the abuse, rather than an actual mental disability. However, it should be noted that abuse of a “crazy person” is also a sin, so pre-existing mental health issues do not reduce culpability. In fact, if a woman has a pre-existing mental health disorder, this may make her more vulnerable, and the abuser is more culpable for beating a disabled person. However, most victims no longer exhibit any serious mental deficits after recovering from an abusive relationship.

6. The abuser confessed and says he repented. He seems sincere. Should I encourage his wife to reconcile and return home?

   A: Church leaders are often eager to resolve abuse situations quickly by returning the victim to the household after the abuser promises to refrain from violence. This is especially tempting when the victim is financially dependent on the offender and/or they have children together. However, this can be very dangerous advice. The abuser learns that his behavior has minimal consequences, since his victim is encouraged to come back after a few contrite words, and he often increases his abuse after the victim returns. The victim learns that seeking help only makes matters worse, and she may stop reaching out for help. Domestic violence usually worsens over time, and consequences may even be deadly. A pattern of bullying and terrorizing a spouse or child is not something that can be recovered from quickly, and in fact, the home may never be a safe place again.

7. Do victims of abuse and sexual assault recover?

   A: Yes! Victims recover and go on to thrive after leaving an abusive relationship! Many former abuse victims connected to Presbyterian Advocacy Coalition are committed Christians, successfully raising children in the faith, and thankful for the support of caring churches. Recovery may take time, but it is very possible.

8. Where can I get more information?

   A: Our resource page has books, articles, and other information on a variety of topics. Also, feel free to reach out to us directly! We are happy to assist.