Are you planning your escape from an abusive situation? Here are some ideas!
Collect important documents (or take photos of them) and store them somewhere safe.
Get a post office box to use for any mail related to your plans, so that it is not sent to your home.
Open a bank account in your own name for saving money for your escape.
Consider getting another phone. Remember that, if you are on the same phone plan as your abuser, he can probably see records of your calls and possibly also track your location.
If you have a car, check it carefully for tracking devices and/or cameras. These are most commonly found in the side-pockets of the car, attached to the wheel well, or underneath the seats.
Change passwords to your accounts. Remember that your abuser may have access to your email, social media, and financial accounts unless you take precautions.
Collect gift cards in a secure location. Some victims find it difficult to open an account because they have no income of their own, or else their bank account is closely scrutinized by their abuser and any changes would be noticed. In these cases, a victim may be able to purchase a gift card at every grocery store visit and store these in a secret location, so that they have money for food and gas during their escape.
PROTECT EVIDENCE! Even if you are not certain that you will seek protection from law enforcement or courts, it is absolutely crucial that you keep evidence safe just in case you need it. Photos of bruises or holes punched in the wall, text messages or voice recordings of threats of violence, and other such evidence can make all the difference in court. However, abusers often find and destroy evidence to prevent it being used against them. Consider emailing the evidence to a secret email account or to a trusted friend to make sure it remains safe. Domestic violence advocates also may offer to store it for you.
Consider filing a protection order. Consult with your local domestic violence agency to determine whether your situation meets requirements in your state.
Should I tell my church?
Christian women who are victims of domestic violence usually reach out to the church before calling the police or contacting local domestic violence services. They usually do this in an effort to find support—counseling for the abuser or safety for themselves. Is this a safe strategy?
Unfortunately, pastors and other church leaders are rarely trained in domestic violence work, and responses can be unpredictable. Some women find that their church leaders disbelieve abuse reports or blame the wife for provoking abuse. Other well-intentioned pastors and elders try to intervene for the good of the family, but they may make major blunders due to their lack of legal expertise and poor comprehension of abuse dynamics.
However, in the best situations, a church can prove to be a valuable ally and support for abuse survivors. If the leaders in your church are truly supportive, they may be a wonderful source of comfort and encouragement.
If you are a victim of domestic abuse and would like an advocate from the Presbyterian Advocacy Coalition to assist you in evaluating your situation and/or approaching your church leaders, please contact us! We are happy to assist! We can also provide information and support to church leaders to assist them in their approach to domestic violence situations.
Safety Planning
Victims of abuse are often asked, "Why don't you just leave?" But people who experience abuse know that leaving is never simple. Abusers isolate their victims, remove the victim's access to money, and take away transportation. Without money, transportation, and support from the outside, it is very difficult to find a way out. These logistical challenges may be overcome with careful planning. However, one major obstacle remains: a dramatic escalation of violence. Abuse victims know that the abuser, seeing his control slip away, is certain to retaliate. Statistics show that approximately 75% of domestic violence homicides occur when a victim attempts to leave. Safety planning--both during an abusive relationship and after leaving--is absolutely crucial.Safety While StayingAbuse victims may not be able to leave immediately, but some safety precautions can be taken even during an abusive relationship:(1) De-escalation: Techniques for de-escalation are highly individualized, and abuse victims often become experts on managing abuser behavior. Some abusers calm down when the victim moves away to a different part of the house, perhaps even shutting herself into a locked bedroom. Other abusers see this as a challenge to their authority, and may become enraged by a victim leaving the room. Similarly, some abusers may be calmed by a victim speaking in a soothing tone, while others may be further escalated. Abuse victims routinely navigate the abuser’s volatile emotions, but this is an untenable strategy in the long run, since abuse tends to escalate over time.(2) Building support: Abusers are often reluctant to act out in front of other people, so a victim with support may be a little safer. Abuse survivors often report that the abuser changes his tone abruptly when he realizes she is on the phone with a friend or relative. Victims may feel embarrassed to tell friends and family what is going on, but when trusted supports are in place, these can prove highly valuable, both in protecting a victim in the situation, and also helping a victim to leave. However, consider carefully before revealing sensitive information to an acquaintance who may not be trusted to keep it confidential.(3) Seeking professional intervention. Reach out to your local domestic violence agency. These organizations are trained to provide assistance and support in a trauma-informed, confidential manner. They can help with safety planning, and they can often provide legal assistance, support groups, and other resources. If abuse escalates dangerously, call 911.Safety When LeavingWhen you begin to plan your escape, there are three main issues to consider:(1) Building an escape path. If you are leaving the home, you will need to find a place to stay (a shelter, friend or relative's home, or another residence), transportation to that place, and money for food, gasoline, and other immediate expenses. You will also need to bring important documents—ID cards, birth certificates for yourself and your children, financial documents, and anything else of importance. You should bring any medications that you and/or your children require. (2) Avoiding detection. Most abuse victims are under some manner of surveillance by their abuser. Abusers often install apps on the victim’s phone to track movement, and possibly even to view texts and calls. Abusers also frequently hide cameras in the home and/or put a tracking device on the car. In this age of technology, stalking has become harder to detect. Victims should consider getting a secret phone to use for planning an escape, and using the phone in a location that is unlikely to be recorded by the abuser.(3) Filing for a protection order. Every state in the USA has some form of a protection from abuse order. These orders potentially provide protection by ordering the abuser to stay away from the victim or risk arrest. In many states, a protection order also gives the victim the option of staying in the home, while the abuser is required to leave. This can be extremely helpful in situations in which a victim has no transportation and no other place to stay. However, it is important to discuss this option with your local domestic violence center to make sure you qualify for an order before you attempt to file.Safety After LeavingAn abuser may continue to stalk and threaten a victim at every opportunity, even after the victim flees. It is important to continue planning for safety. Security cameras, door locks, and secure windows can provide some measure of safety. Some states offer an address confidentiality program, in which a survivor of domestic violence can have mail forwarded through a government office. Some domestic violence survivors also change their names.Ultimately, the best safety plan is one that meets the individual needs of the abuse survivor. If you are a victim of domestic violence working through a plan for yourself and your children, remember that you do not have to do it alone! Reach out to Presbyterian Advocacy Coalition or to your local domestic violence agency for support. We are here to help!