Sara is twenty years old. Her parents divorced when she was a young teen due to her father’s abuse. We interviewed Sara about her perspective as a child growing up in a home with abuse.
Good morning! It is great to have you here. Would you mind introducing yourself for our readers?
Sara: Hi! My name is Sara.* I am a young woman, a university student. I have been a member of the Orthodox Presbyterian Church my whole life. I’m very Presbyterian, and I attend church consistently. My parents are divorced. They divorced when I was about thirteen years old. Today I want to talk about what it is like to be the child of divorced parents, especially when abuse is involved. In my case, my dad abused my mom.
So what was it like for a child growing up with an abusive father in the house?
Sara: Well, I suppose everyone’s experience is slightly different. In my case, it took me a while to understand what was happening. My mother tried hard to protect me and my siblings from knowing about the abuse. But there were certain experiences that made me feel that things were not normal. Weird things would happen, and I would come out of it not really sure what to think about it. I had all these memories that I wasn’t really sure what was going on, and I did not know what to do about it.
Can you give an example?
Sara: I now know that my parents fought a lot, but my mother tried to keep it away from us as much as she could. But I remember one time my parents arguing, and it was something about a huge amount of missing money. I thought maybe it was my fault for buying a cheap video game on my iPad, and I felt guilty and apologized to them about it. It wasn’t until I was older that I realized the fighting was really about my dad spending money on gambling and women. Another time, I heard my parents shouting at each other, and then my mother came upstairs after the fight and tried to reassure me and my siblings. She said not to worry—that my dad had done something bad but it was okay because he was going to do better now. I ran downstairs and sat next to my dad at the table. I told him, “Mom told me about what you did.” He turned around furiously and started saying, “What did she tell you? Tell me everything!” I was nervous, and I told him, “She just said you did some bad things but you are going to be better now.” I can never forget what happened then. He went quiet. I remember his eyes were pure rage. He looked like he wanted to murder my mother. It wasn’t like he was just frustrated. He looked like he wanted to kill her. That stuck in my memory so much that, years later, I went to my mother to ask her what really happened that day. That was when she finally told me about my father’s abuse of her. And I completely believe her. It was like all the pieces of the puzzle came together for me.
Why did you immediately believe her?
Sara: Well, some of it I had already witnessed. But also, my father abused me too. He sexually abused me when I was about ten years old. My mother found out and started screaming at him to stop, and after that, he didn’t do that anymore. But it is still something I live with for the rest of my life. When I was twelve years old, I found out about everything. I got angry with my dad for how he was treating my mom, and I guess he could tell I was upset. I wasn’t fighting with him, but I was avoiding him more and didn’t really want to talk to him. He started harassing me around the house. He would follow me around and say the most vile things. He told me that I was going to hell. He said that a lot. “You have to forgive me and if you don’t forgive me, then you are going to hell!” He kept telling me that I should not care how he treated my mom. But of course I cared. I love my mom. And my dad was saying all that when he had not even apologized. So I was supposed to be a “good Christian” and forgive him, while he was unrepentantly abusing my mother!
Many resources on abuse tell abused victims that they should downplay the abuse and encourage the kids to think well of the other parent, because abuse is a problem between parents and does not involve the kids. What are your thoughts on that?
Sara: I hate that so much. I think it is total nonsense. Of course, abuse affects the kids. My dad abused my mom my whole life. So it was no surprise that he abused me too. But even if he had not, I do not know how society can expect children of abuse victims to ignore the fact that their mother is being terribly mistreated. I do not even understand that. Of course it affects me when I see my mother getting hurt.
What was your relationship with your father like after your parents divorced?
Sara: There has not been a relationship at all. My dad decided he did not want his wife and kids anymore and kicked us out. I still remember his smiling face when he was loading my toys and clothes into the moving van to dump us in another state. He was so happy to get rid of us. He drove the moving van himself. After he abandoned us, my mother filed for divorce. My dad did not show up to the custody hearing because he was on a Caribbean cruise. I ended up getting a restraining order against him, so that was the end of it. I think he had thought I would still want to be friends with him, but obviously, that was not true. I did not want to talk to him anymore. I was thrilled to have the protection order and be shielded from seeing him or talking to him.
Has it been challenging for you being without a father?
Sara: Yes and no. I think it would have been nice to have a good father. But that was not an option for me. I think my mother made the best decision she could have made by filing for divorce. I think the abuse would have kept on going, and the damage would have been so much more severe if she had tried to reconcile with my dad. And these days, it really doesn’t bother me. I am happy. I don’t really think about my father. My mother and I are very close. I have good grades. I’m involved in my church. Life is good. I’m looking forward to the future now.
Has your experience affected your faith?
Sara: I did struggle with my faith while I was going through the abuse and in the aftermath as well. My experience also impacted my view of the church, especially the OPC. The church I was attending while my parents were married was awful. Some OPC churches can just be terrible to abuse victims. The pastor at my former church kept telling me that it was my responsibility to reconcile with my dad. He even knew about the sexual abuse, but he did not try to help me. He never even met with me about it. But the church I attend now is completely different, and it made me realize that some OPC churches really care and have good hearts. My current pastor is very supportive of me, my mother, and my siblings. In fact, when I was a teenager, I desperately needed dental surgery and my jaw was in a lot of pain. My mother (as a single mom) was struggling to afford it, and my dad was court-ordered to pay his share, but he refused. He kept posting on his Facebook about big vacations and expensive restaurants, but he wouldn’t pay for my dental surgery. Finally, my pastor stepped in and arranged for the church to assist with it. In that way, my pastor was more like a father to me than my own dad. I have always been a Christian, but it is really because of the kindness of my current church that I have stayed in the OPC.
Is there anything that you would tell kids whose parents are divorcing over abuse?
Sara: I would tell them to feel free to take sides. Don’t believe the nonsense that you are supposed to be neutral. It is okay to say, “I don’t like being harassed and abused!” It is okay to say, “I love my mom, and I don’t want you to hurt her!” But also, I would want other kids to know that the depression of abuse lifts over time. Things can be hard for a while when you are going through it. But life on the other side is better. There comes a day when you are busy with a full life—school and friends and church and family. And you realize that you are okay.
*name changed for privacy
