When Adultery Turns Violent
For the man who does not love his wife but divorces her, says the Lord, the God of Israel, covers his garment with violence, says the Lord of hosts. So guard yourselves in your spirit, and do not be faithless. - Malachi 2:16
Caleb Flynn, American Idol contestant and self-proclaimed “worship pastor,” sat in court recently with a glazed expression, accused of the murder of his wife Ashley. On the first day of the trial, Caleb’s lawyer admitted that the situation looked bad. Yes, Caleb had engaged in a lengthy affair with a much-younger woman, and yes, his wife had been shot to death while she slept. The lawyer urged the jury to remember that faithless husbands are not necessarily murderers.
However, as the trial progressed, that position became increasingly difficult to defend. Caleb Flynn’s 24-year-old mistress Alleigha Botner took the stand, confessing that she met Caleb when he volunteered for the church worship team, and she engaged in a toxic affair with him for more than a year—an affair that included numerous sexual encounters, marriage promises, and an exchange of more than 100,000 texts. Prompted by the prosecutor, Alleigha began reading some of these texts for the jury, and as she did, the courtroom fell silent.
Caleb Flynn had texted his mistress repeatedly about his utter hatred and loathing for his wife Ashley, and he repeatedly referred to her by a crude slur instead of her name. “I just want her dead and gone,” he wrote. He appealed to his mistress for assistance carrying out this dark desire. “Kill her,” he pleaded. Alleigha apparently did not take this request seriously. A few weeks later, his fantasies were still fixed on murder: “If I could literally kill her and not go to hell, I would do it in a heartbeat. That’s how dark and hateful I feel.”
And what was Ashley’s crime? She was simply an unwitting obstacle to Caleb’s new woman. Caleb told Alleigha that Ashley had cheated on him some years before, but testimony in court indicated that this was not true. In fact, Caleb continued exchanging loving messages with Ashley, continued living in the family home with her, and even went away on a romantic vacation to celebrate their anniversary. When Ashley suspected Caleb’s infidelity, he quickly covered it up. She went on cooking his meals, washing his clothes, and sitting next to him in church, even while he texted his mistress, “I need her to die,” along with a flood of other vile slurs and hateful sneers about the woman who had steadfastly supported him for fifteen years.
Caleb’s lawyer was tasked with the impossible work of explaining how Ashley came to have two bullets through her head only a couple of hours after Caleb notified his mistress that his wife would soon be gone. No one was surprised when the jury declared Caleb Flynn guilty.
Adultery and Violence
The sensational nature of this case (reminiscent of the 2018 murder of Shannan Watts and her children) raises awareness of potentially lethal relationships, but many people assume that infidelity-related violence is an aberration. However, domestic violence experts know differently. Not every adulterer carries through on a gruesome murder, but the link between violence and infidelity is incredibly strong. Most victims of domestic violence report that their abuser was chronically unfaithful. Victims even connect family violence to specific incidents in their spouse’s adulterous relationship. Perhaps the abuser first began acting out violently when he/she began an affair, or perhaps the level of violence escalated when the affair was discovered.
Here are just a few real-life examples that I personally (as a legal advocate for domestic violence victims) collected just over the past month:
Andrea at first believed her husband had developed a brain disorder when he became increasingly violent. She insisted that he had never been violent previously, and she could not account for the abrupt change. She finally fled her home with her kids after her husband strangled her unconscious. Three days after she left the home, he moved another woman into the house. Andrea quickly pieced together that the violence began around the same time her husband began the affair.
Aaron discovered his wife was having an affair when he found evidence of massive secret debt his wife had taken out on credit cards. When he confronted her with all the evidence of charges for hotels, restaurants, and events with her paramour, she responded by punching and scratching him. She screamed that she hoped he would have a heart attack and die.
Rose’s 38-year-old husband left her for a woman who had barely turned 18. He disclosed the affair to her in a text, bragging about his girlfriend’s supposedly superior beauty, and he added to his bewildered wife: “I wish I could kill you. I hate you so much!”
When faced with outbreaks of violence in the aftermath of adultery, victims are often confused. Society expects a cheating spouse to feel ashamed and to beg for forgiveness and a chance at counseling. Books on recovering a marriage after infidelity encourage confrontation and honest communication. Almost none of these “resources” tell someone what to do when their partner responds these efforts with rage and violence.
A Downward Spiral
In the gospel of Mark, Jesus warns us of the common root of infidelity and violence in the human heart: “For from within, out of the heart of man, come evil thoughts, sexual immorality, theft, murder, adultery, coveting, wickedness, deceit, sensuality, envy, slander, pride, foolishness” (Mark 7:21-22). It is not difficult to understand why this is the case. Infidelity requires a high degree of selfishness and a profound lack of empathy. A man who cheats on his wife must entirely disregard her wellbeing. He must develop an ability to lie to her face—not once, but every day, often multiple times in a day. He will almost certainly also find it necessary to divert family financial resources to pay for dinners, hotels, and gifts for the other woman. And in order to justify his affair to himself, he must believe his desires are priority and that his wife is undeserving of his fidelity. The sin of adultery never occurs alone. In fact, it encompasses most of the sins in the list provided by Christ in Mark 7 (quoted above). An adulterer has evil thoughts, is sexually immoral, steals from his wife and children, commits adultery, covets another man’s wife, and he engages in deceit, wickedness, pride, and all the rest—including (in some cases) murder.
A few decades ago, psychologists theorized that adulterers have low self-esteem. This view held that people who commit this sin are unhappy in their relationships but lack the confidence to talk about problems. Therapists prescribed patience, encouragement, and honest communication as a fix for infidelity. More recent studies, however, have repeatedly demonstrated that this is not true. The root of adultery is not poor self-image at all. In fact, adulterers often have very high self-esteem and many of them report that they are satisfied with their marriage. The root of the problem is simply entitlement. Like any other abuser, adulterers believe they should be able to have whatever they want, whenever they want it. Adulterers do not like being told no. They cheat because they want to cheat, and sometimes they act out violently against a spouse simply for existing as an impediment.
In order to justify their behavior, adulterers vilify their spouses to a shocking degree. They claim their spouse is crazy, controlling, and sexually frigid. They may wrongly accuse the innocent spouse of cheating.
Both abuse and adultery worsen over time, as the cycle intensifies. A man who initially feels bad about his hateful actions toward his wife convinces himself that she deserves it, and because he believes she deserves it, his behavior worsens, which then necessitates escalated belief that the wife is a terrible person who deserves it all. Eventually, he feels no remorse at all, only churning bitterness and rage. Sometimes this pattern culminates in a brutal divorce battle, in which he tries to take all the assets and leave his wife with nothing. Sometimes it lands in protection order court and photos of bruises and strangulation marks as evidence. Sometimes it ends in murder.
What Should the Church Do?
Caleb Flynn and Aleigha Botner attended the same church. In fact, they met at worship team practice. At the trial, their pastor Jordan Hanson declared that he had no knowledge of their affair and that such a sin would constitute a violation of church policy. The church was very large, and it is likely that Hanson did not know either of them very well, so it is likely true that he remained unaware until Caleb was arrested for Ashley’s murder.
However, church leaders often do become aware of adultery much sooner, and pastors are sometimes called upon to counsel these couples. How should the link between adultery and violence inform this counseling? Let’s look at several important concepts:
We must accept that appearances can be deceiving. Caleb Flynn was, by all accounts, a very ordinary, apparently Christian man. He went to church regularly. He served on the worship team. He worked in his wife’s family business. He spoke lovingly of his wife, and he went on dates and vacations with her. None of that prevented him from sending over 100,000 text messages to a mistress, meeting her in parking lots for sex, and telling her he wanted his wife dead. We should never downplay adultery simply because someone seems nice on the surface.
If someone is involved in an affair, we should be very cautious about accept their “reasons” at face value. Adulterers are notorious and well-practiced liars. They have spent years justifying their monstrous behavior to themselves, blaming their spouse and everyone else around them. Their supposed “reasons” are usually distorted or even entirely fabricated.
We must acknowledge adultery as abuse. An adulterer, especially one with a lengthy history of cheating, is not a hapless bumbler. Adultery takes planning. It consumes family resources. It involves purposeful deceit and manipulation. It requires a profound lack of empathy, which is why we often hear of adulterers abandoning a wife in childbirth for a meet-up with a mistress, or engaging in a relationship with the innocent spouse’s best friend. Adultery is not a mistake. It is premeditated cruelty.
Safety for the innocent spouse must be a priority. Church leaders sometimes put pressure on the wronged spouse to confront the adulterer. The Flynn trial demonstrates just how dangerous this can be. According to testimony at the trial, Caleb’s wife Ashley had discovered texts between him and his mistress. She confronted him and tried to set up a meeting to talk to his mistress. She tried to work on the marriage. He killed her. Even if an affair does not end that violently, adulterers may retaliate in other ways. A domestic violence survivor recently told me that that every time she confronted her abusive husband about his adultery, he retaliated in ways she did not immediately notice—like taking out a loan in her name and spending the money on gambling. She had debts she did not know about until they were in default, and the house was heavily mortgaged—all of which he furiously blamed on her efforts to control his cheating. Church leaders should be cautious, and they should explore ways to support safety—physical, financial, and emotional.
Insist on true accountability for the adulterer. An adulterer, having spend years downplaying his or her sins, often expects to be treated as a victim, or at least as a “wayward spouse” who made some poor choices. Sometimes they fool church leaders into viewing it that way as well. But an adulterer will never truly repent as long as he or she is permitted to blame other people and claim victim status. Adultery is serious, and restoration of the marriage is not owed.The Westminster Confession declares that adultery makes it lawful for the innocent party to “sue out a divorce, and after the divorce, to marry another as if the offending party were dead.” There is no obligation to attempt restoration, and in fact, the assumption should be that it is impossible to effect restoration, as the marriage is dead. Repentance is still possible for an adulterer, and should be encouraged, but true repentance must acceptance of natural consequences for actions—including divorce for adultery.
While some incidents of adultery may involve extenuating circumstances (power dynamics, for example), church leaders should carefully evaluate the risk of abuse—physical, emotional, and financial. If adultery is long-standing and involves high levels of deceit, violence becomes a very real risk. If we take this risk seriously, and offer safety planning to the victim as part of church assistance, we may reduce the number of victims like Ashley Flynn.
